RULES OF THE COLDWATER CENTRAL

1. NO SPITTING FROM THE TRAIN. IT MAKES THE TRACK SLIMY AND THE LOCOMOTIVE SKID.

2. THOSE WHO STAND ON MOVING TRAIN WILL SUFFER FROM HEAD ACHES AND NECK PAINS.

3. SMOKE COMING FROM PASSENGERS ON TRAIN WILL BE DEALT WITH BY FIRE HOSE.

4. ARMS THAT HANG OUTSIDE CARS WILL BE LEFT BEHIND AT THE STATION. YOU MAY CLAIM THESE AT THE END OF RIDE.

5. THOSE WHO WALK IN FRONT OF A MOVING TRAIN WILL BE USED FOR BALLAST. SEE RULE 15.

6. IF YOU WALK ON TRACK ONLY DO SO BETWEEN RAILS. IF YOU WALK ON SIDES OF EMBANKMENT YOU WILL FIND YOUR SELF WORKING FOR THE CHAIN GANG.

7. IF YOU HEAR A BELL TOLLING, MAKE SURE IT IS NOT TOLLING FOR THEE.

8. WHEN YOU HEAR THE HORN BLOW YOU KNOW IT WORKS.

9. A SCALE 850 TON TRAIN STOPS WHEN IT WANTS TO, NOT WHEN YOU WANT IT TO.

10. ROCKING IN A TRAIN WILL NOT PUT YOU TO SLEEP BUT IT MIGHT ALLOW YOU TO PUSH UP DAISIES.

11. YOU MAY WALK UPON UNFINISHED ROADBED IF YOU DO SO IN THE MIDDLE. DO NOT WALK ON SIDES. IT CAUSES MINI AVALANCHES AND WILL GET MEMBERSHIP IN CHAIN GANG.

12. TRIPPING AND FALLING IS NOT ALLOWED. WE DO NOT USE THAT SHADE OF RED ON THE COLDWATER CENTRAL AND WE WILL HAVE TO RE-PAINT.

13. NIT PICKING WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. PENALTY FOR SUCH ACTIVITY WILL BE TEN HOURS ON A WHEELBARROW HAULING ROCK.

14. DISREGARD RULE 13. THE COLDWATER CENTRAL NEEDS VOLUNTEERS.

15. ALL LUMPS IN THE TRACK WORK ARE CAUSED BY VISITORS FAILING TO OUTRUN TRAINS. SEE RULE 5.

16. TRAIN TOILETS MAY NOT BE FLUSHED WHILE IN THE STATION. VISIT THE SUPERINTENDENT'S OFFICE FOR COMFORT.

17. DERAILMENTS ONLY OCCUR WHEN THE TRAIN IS RUNNING. AT ALL OTHER TIMES THEY ARE RARE.

18. LOCOMOTIVE IS TO REMAIN ON TRACK AT ALL TIMES.

19. COMMENTS LIKE, "ISN’T IT CUTE" WILL BE DEALT WITH IN A MOST ENERGETIC WAY.